My Predictions of Life After

Photo by Museums Victoria on Unsplash

I’ve felt the pressure. Everyone has been making predictions of what life will be like after we get through the Coronavirus pandemic. After reading so many — guesses — I thought it’s time I made a fool of myself and join in the fun.

And frankly, best guesses are really just a bunch of…well, never mind

Does anyone really know what’s going to happen?

Preachers, pundits, and modern day prophets love to prognosticate. But they are people, like everyone else and they tend to surprise and embarrass themselves at every turn. I was feeling left out, so I thought it was my turn to make wild, improbable guesses, too! After all, I’ve got a 50–50 chance, right?

Ok, maybe statistics don’t really work that way…

Note: I claim no political party affiliation through this article. I believe in equal opportunity bashing…

Here goes…

1. Introverts will extend their personal space by four feet while extroverts who have been starved for personal connection and hugs will decrease their personal space to about 1 foot.

2. There will be a run on the market for sling-shots, fueled by desperate introverts.

3. A new genre of sports will emerge. Traditional sports integrating the use of large plastic “bumper-ball” bubbles. Bubble soccer, bubble basketball, bubble football — all for the sake of proper physical distancing.

4. Sports viewing will go down the toilet.

5. Fewer people will wash their hands and observe personal hygiene, after all they’ve probably already gotten the virus and are now immune, or they believed it was a conspiracy cooked up by the Democrats/Republicans / Green Party/Communists/Walt Disney.

6. Employers will finally and reluctantly concede that working from home is incredibly cost-effective and efficient. Working from home will be accepted as effective and will become the norm.

7. Employees will decide they hate working from home.

8. Aromacholigists will produce new and popular products like Channel No 5 Hand-sanitizer. Distilleries will follow suit with the likes of Jack Daniels Deep Cleanse Dipping Alcohol No 19. (Note: Don’t drink it!)

9. Toilet paper stock will go down the…never mind.

10. The virus will finally be eradicated either by burning itself out or, perhaps, by a miracle cure produced either directly by God or the selfless work of career health specialists. This will happen next month, or in the Summer, or the Fall, maybe the winter — well, sometime within the next year, or five, or ten…

11. President Trump will claim complete credit for the eradication of the pandemic, pointing out that “It was the greatest outcome in the history of disease outcomes. It was absolutely the best anyone could ever hope for. No one has ever seen such a great outcome.”

Unless the eradication happens in someone else’s term as president.

12. Republicans will blame the Democrats for distracting the President with impeachment hearings. After all, if he hadn’t been busy not-paying-attention to the hearings and tweeting his annoyances, he would have been more on top of the early spread in China — and he could have sounded the alarm that China was naughty and tweeted more nasty things about them.

13. Democrats will claim the viral eradication would have happened much sooner if the Senate had just convicted Trump. After all, with that fresh victory they would have felt incredibly powerful and ecstatic enough to notice the spread of the virus in other countries and closed all borders from foreign travel…

14. Church-members will realize they really don’t like 45-minute-to-one-hour sermons — especially on video. After all, if the Lord’s Supper can be offered only once a quarter by evangelicals, then why is a one-hour sermon offered every Sunday? Why not make it more meaningful? A sermon once a quarter or every six months (say, at Christmas and Easter)…or annually…is good enough.

15. There will be a decrease in demand for paid pastors. Churches will opt to meet in small groups at home just hanging out, reading and discussing the Bible for themselves. Or they’ll opt for pub quiz nights.

16. There will be a resurgence of Chinese take-out but a diminishment of Chinese buffets because, well, people are still jerks and racism is still a favorite past-time.

17. A new popular term for the coronavirus will take hold: “Bat-virus”. DC Comics and PETA will object.

18. Televangelists will make a major comeback. Hello, Pastor Gas!

19. Corona Beer will try to take advantage of the new post-pandemic reality with a new ad campaign: Try Another Case of Corona! The Fun Kind…

20. Corona Beer parent company, Anheuser-Busch InBev SA/NV will declare bankruptcy shortly after the new Ad Campaign is launched.

I’m not a prophet, a son of a prophet…heck I don’t even have a cousin who’s a prophet — and frankly, I haven’t been able to make much of a profit at anything…

Has worked in non-profits for 40 years and is currently a Regional Director for an international non-profit. He holds an MA in Biblical text.