I love the sense of humor. The alternatives are funny. Unfortunately, any kind and sincere phrase you come up with will eventually be considered trite and offensive.

It's the nature of greetings. Say it once, it is sweet. Say it ten times: it's a cliche. And you'll never know the shelf life--until someone gets offended at you (sigh).

Ho, well.

I think I'll choose to assume that when some one says, "I hope you're well" that they really mean it and I'll accept it at face value.

But, I also think I'll try out some of your alternatives! 😎 (And it really is a great piece of writing)...